Since this paper comes out two days before Christmas I'd like to start by thanking you for taking time out from seasonal chaos to read this.

And, lest I forget later, let me wish you a Happy Christmas. I hope the next days and year bring you peace and pleasure. As to me, there are big changes at hand and afoot. We are closing the Watusi Spiritual Retreat. It's been a good run, and many wayward souls have been soothed by the calming ambience, but it now seems out of step with modern Tauranga. The inspiration for this radical move came from those staunch defenders of common sense, the Tauranga City Council, and their decision to close the Sand Bar on Mount Maunganui Beach.
'There was a bit of contradiction and hypocrisy having the Sand Bar there within a liquor-free area,” said our noble Mayor Stuart Crosby.
Damn straight! It's good to know there are such solid guardians of public welfare out there. After all, only one person was arrested in the eight years that the bar was running and we can't have that sort of well-controlled fun happening round here otherwise people might imagine that they are grown-up adults and can choose to drink without causing trouble.
The next important step is clearly to close all bars along The Strand, but possibly no-one in council has yet noticed that they're also in the middle of a liquor-free zone.
As Mayor Crosby helpfully pointed out: 'The key issue is that people were going to the Sand Bar to drink.”
And that's just not on. Well-behaved drinking, causing no trouble, is obviously just too much for the general public to cope with.
The Mayor asks 'Is that an appropriate activity in a public reserve on one of the best beaches in New Zealand?” Of course not! Who are these alcoholic sots who insist on enjoying themselves by having a drink when the beach is so good anyway? There must be a helluva lot of them since – to quote Mr C again - '(the bar) was becoming a significant attraction.” And who needs a bunch of winos having fun and not causing any trouble?
And that was the problem at the Spiritual Retreat – too many people happily seeking pleasure without causing problems. So, following council's logic, we shut it down. Frankly it was a bit boring without the occasional riot (despite the egg-throwing fracas a couple of months back).
Instead I am relocating to the beautiful countryside and opening The Watusi Country Club, where people can behave as disgracefully as they want, drink heavily if so desired, and even smoke on the lawn, at least until council extends its ban on smoking in reserves, parks and beaches to cover private property.
So this Christmas I'll be sitting by the croquet green listening to Tom Waits new album and Dylan's Christmas disc, and sipping frozen banana daiquiris, quite possibly the most perfect drink known to man (and woman).
Here's how you make it – you will need a blender.
First thing, make some crushed ice (the blender is good for this). Two cups of it. Plonk the ice in a bowl, as it gets added last.
Then add the following to the blender: 150ml of rum - dark or amber rum is best but whop in that Bacardi if it's all you have; juice of two lemons; juice of two limes; two tablespoons of brown sugar; and three peeled bananas.
Then give it all a good blend, add the crushed ice and blend it again. Garnish and serve.
Daiquiris are intended to be a slightly tart drink, so if this isn't quite sweet enough for you, add more sugar. (And, yes, that is quite a lot of rum. That's just the way we roll here at the Watusi Country Club and, remember, this does make a whole blenderful.)
On the off chance that you have an aversion to bananas, many other fruits can be substituted. Use two cups of fruit. Strawberries and raspberries need straining after blending or you'll get those irritating little seeds in your mouth. Peaches are good. Plums are great. Mangoes are sensational.
And remember – drinking alcohol is not wrong or evil. Even at the beach.